Monday, December 10, 2012

Delusions of Phoebe Cates

Thursday, after I finished my swim workout, I used the ladder to get out of the pool.  As I was climbing up the ladder, in my red swim suit, for one brief millisecond I felt like this:



I said it was a brief millisecond.  Because I quickly remembered that I am not actually a brunette.  Or 16.  Or can wear a bikini.  Or should wear a bikini.  Or crazy ridiculously hot, and the subject of high school boys fantasies for almost 30 years.

But there WAS that moment.  At the end of that workout, I felt great.  I felt energized.  I felt strong. I felt confident.  I felt like an athlete. I felt like I could pull off a little red bikini.

But it didn't last long.

I named this blog Fat Girl TRI-ing because I thought it was kind of funny.  But also because on paper, I'm a fat girl.  My BMI is considered obese.  Those charts that tell you what your ideal body weight for your height say that even if I lost 40 lbs, I would still be overweight.  It's a bit disheartening.

Yet, in spite of this, I don't go around all day thinking that I'm fat.  I feel the residual energy running through my body after a workout and feel strong.  I feel sore muscles and know that I worked hard.  I yawn in the afternoon because I get up at 5am every day and I remember that it's worth it.

The only times that I feel fat is when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or see a picture of myself.  At those times, I cringe and wonder what happened to me.

I've never been comfortable having my picture taken, but in recent years I come to dread it.  I've tried (and failed) to pose myself so that I look the slimmest.  Doesn't usually work.

During spinning, I usually chose a bike on the side of the room FACING the mirror so that others don't have to see the reflection of my ginormous ass while they are working out.

I feel caught in some kind of gap.  A gap of women and their dysfunctional body image.  I remember seeing a study that showed that most women would pick out an image of them-self that is heavier than they actually are.  I have friends who are in great shape but because of one flabby body part, or a number on the scale, feel horrible about themselves.  I have worked out with women who are so slim, as to almost look emaciated, and I'm sure they thought they were overweight.

My problem seems to be that my mental image of myself is actually better than the reality.  And I'm shocked when I see the reality.

When I'm out running, I feel great.  (Or as great as one can feel while running).  But when I look back at race photos of myself, I'm horrified.  Do I really have that many fat rolls?  Are my calves REALLY that big?  That ass...heaven help me.

So true...
So what am I?  A thin girl trapped in a fat girls body?  Or a fat girl trying to get thin?

Don't know yet.  This year I will TRI to find out.

1 comment:

  1. I'm very disappointed that no pictures of "the pose" appeared in this post. ;)

    And....I think that thinking your are thinner than you are is better than thinking you are fatter than you really are AS LONG AS you dress appropriately for the size you really are, i.e. no red bikinis or tights without shorts over them. You've got that down and you look great so it's all good. :)

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